Evan BrownOur five year old is almost always the first one in the house to arise every morning, so he comes into our bedroom to say good morning. This morning when he came in, we told him right away that we learned some big news during the night while he slept.
I asked him whether he had ever heard of Osama Bin Laden, and he kind of chuckled and said, “no.” The conversation went on something like this:
Me: Well, he was a bad guy. The worst guy. And the United States got him.
Son: (With a bit of a nervous smile.) Was he like a scary clown, with a red nose and rainbow hair?
Me: No, but he did wear kind of a strange hat. Do you remember the story about the Twin Towers?
Son: Did he drive an airplane into those buildings?
Me: No, but he told others to do that.
Son: Did they make him die?
Me: (Taking a deep breath.) Yes.
I was pleased to see that our son was not frightened by this news, but appeared to take the news somewhat matter-of-factly. (We have not told our three year old about the story. That seems the best for him for now.)
Discussing this with our five year old caused us to reflect on what is appropriate in terms of disclosures like this. We could have, of course, easily made it frightening for him, with a bunch of drama, turning OBL into some kind of bogie-man (“Good thing they got him or he would have blown up Daddy’s train.”) Or we could have not told him at all.
It was important to me that we do neither of these things.
I remember back when Reagan was shot (March 1981). I was, more or less, the same age then as our son is now. I remember discussing the facts of the news story with my parents then, in real time, and that really helped me contextualize what was going on, at least as best as I could as a little kid.
I’m glad I was not shielded from the news. Kids in my kindergarten class were discussing it the next day, and I had no doubt I knew the right version of the story.
So I see two very important benefits to conscientious disclosure of difficult facts like this.
The first is short term: helping ensure the shocking nature of the news doesn’t needlessly rock the little growing consciousness inside there.
The second benefit is more long term: we want our children to rely on us as a source of information that has integrity. This is critical for the overall development of judgment. If our son cannot rely on us as a timely source for good and accurate information, or believes that we are withholding too much, how can we expect him to trust our insight to help him develop adult discretion?
